Why the Poly Relationship May Not Have Lasted

Because it’s getting popular to become polyamorous, many people are trying it out as a new thing. On one hand, I appreciate the exploration because I think it’s worth discovering the type of love life that works best for you. On the other hand, so many people do relationships the wrong way that it’s hard to encourage someone to do something bad, to multiple people, at the same time. There are many reasons why relationships end, but I list three main reasons below that shed light on why the polyamorous relationship you might have been rooting for, may not have lasted.

After trying polyamory out as a new thing, some people revert back to monogamy because they simply were not poly to begin with. Many poly people, for instance, are not territorial. We can even be described as unbothered and non-jealous while our partner(s) engage with others in front of us. Boundaries exist in every relationship of course, but the ability to engage with others freely is a core ingredient in the polyamorous mix. Many people try to be cool with accepting their partner’s wild nature and freedom, when it only causes them a wild rage of jealousy and distrust. Some people try polyamory and realize that only certain parts of that dynamic feels good to them. Some like the idea of having multiple romantic partners, for instance, but cannot fathom sharing any of their partners sexually. Its important to note that wanting to restrict your partner(s) from exploring with others sexually, is a key indication that you may, in fact, be monogamous. In this case, perhaps the poly relationship did not last because you don’t roll like that.

Another reason the poly relationship may not have lasted is because someone wanted to change the dynamic that was initially agreed on. I have a poly friend who had his polygamous relationship end for this exact reason. Initially, him, his wife, and their girlfriend decided to date, see, and sleep with each other. It was agreed that his wife and their girlfriend had free range to do whatever they wanted to do together, including see each other without him. It was also agreed that their girlfriend would only engage with him if, and only if, his wife was present. Everyone followed these terms for years. Over time however, the girlfriend began developing stronger emotional feelings for him. She wanted to change the dynamics that they all previously agreed upon, to allow for him and her to see more of each other, separate from his wife. Needless to say, this was a nonnegotiable boundary. As soon as she tried to cross it, his wife decided to end the relationship altogether. As a note, some dynamics only work because of how they are set up. If you believe feelings and emotions may develop and change over time, it’s important to at least have a brief discussion about the possible changes in advance. Never try to hide your intentions, they will reveal themselves in the end.

The final reason the poly relationship may not have lasted is due to insecurity. Insecurities stem from uncertainty in your mind and emotion. As a result, there are certain people who need certain things to feel secure in their relationships. Some may need things like consistent communication, for their partners to give them compliments, or to have someone stimulate their love languages. There is a huge difference, however, from needing certain things to feel secure versus badgering a partner due to your own insecurities. Needing someone to unreasonably go above and beyond, only to settle an internal struggle of being self-conscious is not only unfair but incredibly toxic. Instead of making that a partner, or a multiple partner issue, work on those things personally so that your poly relationship may last a little longer than insecurity will allow. 

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