With attraction, we think of ourselves at the beginning of our relationships where things are fantastic, we’re attracted instantly, and sex is incredible all the time. It’s common for these things to wane over time and for people to become more comfortable with one another, and the sex can end up not being as often as it once was.
Relationships often fall into a rut, whether it be a couple, a marriage, or even an open relationship. This isn’t something to despair about; however, let’s look at some reasons you or your partner (s) may not be attracted to each other anymore. Look at these reasons with an open mind and keep in mind that these reasons aren’t always a sign that your relationship is doomed if you’re willing to work on them.
A decrease in physical contact, sex, or intimacy
It’s known sex itself usually declines after about a year into a marriage, and, usually, women feel that they drop in their libido more than men. Feeling as if you’re less sexually active is a normal thing and something that if you think it is an absolute must within your relationship, then it’s a good idea to sit down and talk to your partner (s) about it before making any assumptions.
It may be your partner’s libido is low, factors in their life are affecting their sex drive, or medication or other issues are coming into play, and it’s not necessarily you. Check-in with them and think about situations surrounding your everyday interactions. If they’re still doting on you, having physical contact, spending time with you, and interacting with you in a way that shows they’re still into you, the lack of sex can be something entirely different and not related to being attracted to you.
Some people will find they gain intimacy only from the act of sex, where others need more than just sex to get that feeling of closeness. If this is a point of contention in your relationship, stopping to talk about it, and what intimacy means to you, how it’s shown from each of you, is a crucial step in understanding each other better.
Finding yourself attractive
We change over time; we gain or lose weight, modify how we look from either deciding we want to change up our wardrobe, hairstyle, or just aging can give us a different appearance. Depending on your partner, some of these things may or may not matter to them. Likely it’s going to matter more to you than them, so make sure you’re taking time for yourself, so you feel more confident in yourself, and they will find that sexy no matter how you look.
Exercising, eating right, and good hygiene are fantastic ways to keep yourself in good shape, so you’re not only taking care of yourself for the long term but helping yourself stay focused on feeling good and thus becoming more confident in yourself. We well know confidence to be something that many people find attractive, and if you’re not confident in yourself, then it’s going to come off that way to other people that you’re not.
Make sure you’re taking care of yourself mentally. If you’re depressed, feeling anxious, or any other issue that may drag you down, make sure you address these. While these issues may not be easy all the time to get through, speaking with your partner about them, and possibly to a professional, will at least let your partner, and yourself, know that this is something you’re working on.
Feeling they are distant and fighting a lot
Do you sometimes get that feeling that they’re just not ‘there’ and in that moment with you? Is that feeling often enough that you often wonder why they’re even there in the first place? When they are there with you, do you fight a lot?
Fighting is something all people do, and whether it’s just having a heated discussion or anything more drastic, this is something that happens in being human. We all have disagreements, and no one can tell you they’ve had it perfect in their relationship without some conflict, heated or not. What’s not normal is having fights all the time, and if those fights get heated and out of control, with a lack of respect in words, then that can be worrisome.
Feeling that they’re distant from you isn’t a good feeling either. Not having your partner (s) there with you while you spend together and just being roommates in the same room isn’t a good feeling that anyone wants to have in a relationship. If this is something that’s happening, bring up a conversation without accusatory statements to see if something is affecting them like work, stress, depression, or other reasons that might come into play, before just assuming that they’re not attracted to you anymore.
If it comes down to a point in any conversation where you feel that they’re still not attracted to you, it may be best to discuss just where you stand in your relationship. Whether you feel like companions and friends that care for each other and live together, roommates with benefits, or if you’re in a relationship just in a rut at the moment and you’re willing to work on it to get that ‘spark’ back. It’s a hard conversation to have, but one that you might need to have to keep it real.
So, what can I do?
A few suggestions were made above, the most important points being that you need to sit down and talk to your partner about your situation before any drastic measures are taken and before any assumptions are made. Make sure you’re both on the same page with where you are, where you want to go, and what your future holds for you both, either together or apart.
Explore new avenues. Perhaps if you’re in a marriage or couple, think about opening your relationship. Often couples feel as if all their needs aren’t being met, but they don’t know how to express that or get what they need from their partner. Discussing an open relationship and bringing another partner into the mix can very well bring back the spark for all of you with new and exciting activities, emotions, and other factors that have your relationship blossom. Just make sure you’re doing this together because you want to, and not as something that you feel will ‘fix’ things.
When sitting down with your partner to discuss opening up your relationship, make sure you’re open-minded and respectful that they may not be open to it right away. Respect their feelings, let them think about it, and come back to it later where you both can sit down without distraction to discuss it.
While talking, find out what makes them tick, be honest with yourself in what makes you tick. Be honest with yourselves in whether you’re willing to work on bringing that spark back into your relationship and seeking alternative ways to spice up your life. Whether you have one partner or want an open relationship, there is more than just yourself and your feelings involved. Take into consideration everyone that’s in the relationship, and you’ll be much happier and more satisfied.