Why Can’t My Partner Get It Up?

Almost all of us have been there where we’ve had that moment or moments where we can’t seem to get into the mood, or if we are in the mood…we can’t seem to perform. This isn’t anyone’s fault, and no one is to blame. Here are a few reasons this might be an issue.

Performance anxiety

Performing when you feel you’re under pressure is no fun for anyone. Women can sometimes turn it on with a little foreplay or, if nothing else, take one for the team if they need to with a bit of lube and some extra work. That doesn’t mean they have to like it, but it’s possible for them to do. Men, on the other hand, if you can’t get it up, the job will not get done.

Sometimes when dealing with this issue, you’re talking about a lot of factors that go into it. Don’t go asking yourself if you’re not hot enough, or if you did something wrong. This is the wrong time to be doing that, and more than likely, the case might be that you’re too hot!

Performance anxiety can come at any time and is one of the biggest culprits for erectile dysfunction, and usually, it’s because they have this notion in their head that they have to be a certain way for you and have expectations of themselves that they feel they might not meet and thus disappoint you. Performing alone is one thing, but another person is another matter entirely.

Keep your head about you when this happens, and rather than questioning why it’s happening, instead talk to him, don’t focus on it so much, and focus on other parts of sex that don’t revolve around his erection.


Stress…this seems to be the answer to everything. Whether it’s work, life, or anything in between, stress is an enormous factor in affecting everything that we have going on in our lives. Sex is not immune to this, and it can affect his ability to get it up too.

A bad day at work, a stressful job, stressful life at home, these are all things that can affect him to where at the end of the day though the mind is willing, the mind may also be preoccupied on other levels and not allow the body to follow. Stress is a massive factor besides performance anxiety that can affect your beau’s ability to get it up in the bedroom.

Drinking and Smoking

These two culprits are something that can be taken care of, though not always quickly, depending on the level of integration that they have into your beau’s life. Drinking is often the way to get someone to be more confident in giving those sexual advances, but it’s often the way to having a dysfunction as well if too much is had. Though if your partner is drinking to where this is an ongoing concern, perhaps it’s time to talk to a therapist or someone that can help.

Smoking can often lead to problems because of the underlying health conditions that it causes along the way. Smoking damages blood vessels in the body, which can seriously inhibit the flow of blood to anywhere…and well, we know that blood has to flow to get an erection! Smoking can also lead to other issues such as heart disease, another underlying problem for ED sufferers. Sometimes ED can be the early signs of heart disease if you’re someone that is otherwise healthy and hasn’t had issues with ED before. So if this is suddenly a problem, it’s probably a good idea to get checked out by a doctor.


Can medications cause erectile dysfunction, you ask? Of course! There are side effects to nearly every medication out there, and ED is no less of a side effect. For a lot of drugs such as antidepressants, antihistamines, blood pressure medicines, other OTC drugs, and recreational drugs, these can have the side effect of erectile dysfunction.

If you’re taking these, then please don’t suddenly go off of them to get an erection unless you discuss your concerns with your doctor first and talk to them about viable alternatives to what you’re taking. Most likely, there’s a reason you’re taking it in the first place, and figuring that out first is more important for you in the long run.

Health Conditions

Health conditions can cause erectile dysfunction in men and is a real challenge to deal with. Most men don’t want to talk about their case of ED in the first place and talking to them about it when it concerns a health condition may not be something that they think about. As listed above, underlying health conditions such as heart disease can be another factor as well that needs to be kept in mind if you’re an otherwise healthy male.

What can I do?

There are several things that you can do to help when this happens, and the first thing to do is to not freak out. If you’re freaking out, then he’s freaking out. Keep your cool about you and address it calmly, move away from the issue entirely and go on to something else in the bedroom that’s just as engaging. Perhaps have him focus on you more, play games, do pillow talk or talk dirty to him, but don’t focus around him and his problem or he’ll shut down.

If you’re in an open relationship, bring in your other partner and have the two of you focus on each other while he watches, this might be enough to tantalize him into doing something later and ease him into the act instead of feeling pressured. In doing this, you’re not only showing him it’s OK that this is happening, but that you’re OK with it, it’s nothing to worry about, and you’re still turned on and find him attractive while not expecting him to perform.

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