Sep 27, 2020 | Where to Begin

Polyamory is NOT For You If…

The 21st century is an exciting time for free-spiritedness romantically. The 1960s was referred to as the sexual revolution, but now in 2020, more and more taboos surrounding romantic and sexual manners of expression are being lifted. It is an amazing time for all who have felt the need to suppress their romantic and sexual urges due to unnecessary stigmas.

Some of the taboos that have been lifted surround alternatives to monogamy. Non-monogamy –types of relationships that involve more than two people– is becoming more and more of a norm. Given this, non-monogamy might even spark an interest in you. However, you might also be wondering whether or not it is a good idea for you. Here are a few ways to know if the non-monogamous alternatives to monogamous relationships are not for you.

You desire monogamy

Romantically and sexually, we are all wired differently. The urges we feel vary from person to person. Some people only desire one partner while others desire many. If it is the case that you unambiguously feel that you are wired monogamously, non-monogamous relationships are probably not for you. A good way to tell if you are such a person is if you are in a monogamous relationship and you simply cannot imagine yourself with another person.

You are the jealous type

Especially when you are new to relationships, jealousy is a normal feeling. However, some people experience it more acutely than others. Within the context of non-monogamy, such feelings are very likely to be exacerbated, as your partners will very likely be seeing and sleeping with people other than yourself. If you are the jealous type and you cannot keep such jealous feelings under control, non-monogamy is probably not for you. Without control over such feelings, they are very likely to spiral out of control and affect your relationships negatively. Granted, this would also be the case in a monogamous relationship, but it would surely be to a lesser extent due to fewer individuals involved.

You have difficulties setting and/or respecting boundaries

Setting boundaries is a key element to success in a non-monogamous relationship. As opposed to how the stigma has characterized non-monogamy, it isn’t simply a sexual free for all. Each partner has the right and the responsibility to set appropriate rules and expectations, to ensure that all parties are happy and consenting. Some people have profound difficulties respecting and/or setting such boundaries. They either let others walk all over them in a relationship or they walk all over others themselves. Such behavior is a recipe for disaster within the context of a non-monogamous relationship. If you behave in such a manner, one could go so far as to say that not only are you not ready for a non-monogamous relationship, but you’re not ready for any sort of relationship until you resolve such behavior.

You’re short on time

One of the biggest issues facing individuals who are interested in non-monogamy is time. A relationship with one person is already a huge time investment. Adding even one other person on to that would potentially be double the time, if not more. Some people do have more time than others depending upon your profession. And some forms of non-monogamy do not require as much time as others –namely, purely sexual, rather than romantic, non-monogamy requires less time. But, if you do not have the time for non-monogamy and cannot make the time for it, it probably is not for you.

Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone and it is important to recognize whether or not it is for you before pursuing it. If you meet one or more of the above criteria and either cannot or are unwilling to fix such issues, non-monogamy is probably not for you.

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