We all hear about it, we know about it, and we dread it. That day when we’re turned on and ready to go and our partner just… isn’t into it. It leaves you wondering what’s going on and if something is wrong with your relationship. That’s probably far from the case, and here are six reasons why.
This is a common complaint among most people that have a lack of interest in sex. Many things we’ll be discussing below can cause a lack of libido. If you feel that your desire is something you want to work on, then getting an exam with your doctor to see if there is something that can be done would be a good start. Otherwise, there may be some steps that you can take at home.
No quality time
We all have our phones, work, computer, kids, chores, other things that distract us from anything else but those… things that need to be done or demand our attention. This leaves us little room for anything else, especially sex. Having quality time is easier said than done, and that doesn’t mean spending lots of time together, but spending any time together that’s meaningful. Whether it be 10 minutes in the form of snuggling in bed for a quick nap or just having a brief make-out session in the middle of the day, that’s quality time that will trump any amount of quantity of time you can spend with one another.
Accept the fact that there will always be other tasks waiting for you in the wings; they’ll be there when you’re done and still waiting for you. Your partner or your mood may change over those few moments you’re doing the chores, working on that work project, or looking at your phone, and then the moment will be lost, and that’s something you can’t always get back so quickly.
If you have to, plan on quality time together, make plans, make a date, set a time frame every day where you spend that time together with just you and your partner in mind and space together focusing only on who you’re with. If you have multiple partners in an open relationship, make sure you make time for everyone, it’s only fair to share that intimacy, bringing you all together at once, or just one on one, whichever works for you and your relationships.
This is an enormous factor for most people. Stress is just a part of life. It’s always there, and it will always be there, it’s just a matter of how much pressure you have on any day and how you deal with it. Many people can handle stress and cope with it easily, and some people can’t. Figure out how you’re able to deal with stress if it’s interfering with your relationship (s) and find ways to cope that are healthy.
Exercise, eat healthy, talk to someone, go out for coffee with a friend, walk the dog, find ways accessible to you so you don’t have to overthink it, and then get sidetracked if it’s challenging to do. Stressing about de-stressing is the last thing you need right now.
Sure, you’ve heard this one before—“I don’t feel attractive to them anymore.” Sound familiar? Or “I’m unattractive to myself, so how can they be attracted to me?” These are phrases that have run through every human’s head in existence, and it’s normal to think that way occasionally. If you’re thinking way all the time, then it may be a good thing to talk to a professional about how to change around your way of thinking.
Odds are your partner doesn’t even notice the extra pounds or those wrinkles you see in the mirror. And if they do and have an issue with it, there’s a whole other issue going on that needs to be addressed.
Same old thing
We all get stuck in a rut with a lot of things, and sex isn’t immune to this. Especially if we’re with the same partner all the time. We have this notion from watching movies, TV and romance novels, or other media that love is perfect, sex is always excellent, relationships are only between couples, and relationships are forever and never dull. That’s all great in theory, and perhaps there are people out there that have this magical formula, but truth be told if asked, they will likely tell you about trials and tribulations that they’ve been through with their partner (s) throughout their relationship. Either that’s strengthened them, or they’ve moved past it and grown with it instead of letting it break them.
The same thing goes with sex—we need to grow with our changing bodies, with our changing mental attitudes in life, and our changing partners. No one stays the same after 5, 10, or 50 years of a relationship. Spicing it up in the bedroom is an ever-changing game, as is trying to make sure it stays fresh. Just understand that your body, and your partners, are ever-changing, and their likes and dislikes may develop over the years.
Sitting down and having a discussion occasionally rather than repeating the same things over and over will help you decide where you want to go with your relationship. Perhaps you’d even be open to having an open relationship with other partners in the mix to spice things up, give you new avenues to try and to avoid boredom with the same partner all the time.
Depression or Medications
Psychological illness isn’t something that should be taken lightly no matter the situation, and unfortunately, the stigma that surrounds it doesn’t have a lot of people opening up about it either or seeking help. Depression can put a severe damper on someone’s sex life in them just not feeling well, not feeling attractive, not feeling mentally up for it. Medications for depression, or any illness, can have side effects that lessen your libido and cause issues.
You can use your own body to your advantage when trying to make yourself feel better. Dopamine is heavily involved in feelings and tells us all sorts of things when we go about our daily lives. Did you enjoy that hamburger? Did you take joy in meeting someone new? That’s dopamine.
Boosting dopamine naturally within your body will help with sexual function as well. Getting things like good sleep, eating dark chocolate, fruits, and vegetables that contain quercetin and tyrosine, and getting protein that has lots of amino acids, will help with your dopamine production. This will improve your sexual function and your ‘feel good’ receptors when you’re dealing with everyday life and your relationships and helping to boost your self-confidence.
If you’re finding that you or your partner is depressed, speak to a professional for help. Just be mindful of medications and their side effects, be your advocate, and research ahead of time so you can have a discussion with your doctor about your treatment plan.
No matter what you’re struggling with, know that you’re not alone. It’s human to have these problems and go through these trials with your partner(s) over a relationship. No one relationship’s perfect, and no one relationship is flawless. Don’t expect that out of yourself or your partner, spend more quality time together and less time obsessing over the trivial things, and you will be thankful you did.