So you’ve decided to be polyamorous and found that this lifestyle is one that you’d like to pursue with others in your life? Here are a few tips on avoiding when starting so you don’t burn any bridges, hurt any feelings or end up feeling soured by the entire experience.
Don’t start a poly relationship to ‘fix’ your current one
If you’re in a relationship already, it’s not a good idea if you’re on the rocks with it to go into a polyamorous hoping bringing another person into the mix will fix things. This only muddies the waters and brings in potential problems.
Doing this can not only cause the issues in your current relationship to spill over into the new relationship but is entirely unfair to the new person who you’re bringing into it. Ensure that you solve, or at least communicate fairly, what’s going on within your current relationship before taking on someone else within your circle.
We all know that phrase about assuming and what it makes us. Don’t do that. Make sure that communication is the critical component in your relationship from the beginning. It’s only fair that you communicate everything with your current partner, whom you’re bringing into the relationship, or to the couple that you might be joining.
Making sure that all the cards are on the table, rules, boundaries and other factors are talked about is a good foot to start on. Keep that communication open for the duration of your relationship, and everyone will be content and happy.
Don’t be discouraged by multiple turn downs
In the beginning, you’re likely going to get many people turning you down. Throughout your life, you may get even more turn downs. Don’t be discouraged by this. The polyamorous community is large enough you won’t miss out on anything, and you sometimes have to go through a hundred nos to get one yes. But that one yes maybe your lifetime relationship. Be patient, don’t be aggressive about your search, and that relationship will come with time.
Don’t do it alone without a community
People make this mistake all the time, whether or not it’s being polyamorous. Trying to strike out on our own to prove that we can do things and get that gold star is ingrained in a lot of society, which only leads to disappointment in yourself.
If you felt like you’re failing, only know that you’ve only failed if you don’t get back up and continue moving forward. Finding the community that is out there in the polyamorous world is the best step in not only exploring your options but finding those relationships you crave and making sure that you get what you’re looking for.
Don’t use the community as a dating service
No one appreciates being seen as replaceable, and those within the polyamorous community are no different. Going into the community with the mindset that you’re shopping around, being superficial, and not getting to know people isn’t the right mindset to have.
This isn’t Tinder, and it’s not the place to look for hook-ups. The focus of having a polyamorous relationship is to build relationships, trust, and respect for one another over time, so avoid this mistake, and you’ll be more fulfilled and happier in the long run.
Don’t focus on trying to be fair to everyone
While this is a noble thought, trying to be fair to everyone in the relationship is only going to lead to pitfalls. You can’t block out time with everyone equally and expect it to work perfectly without leading to jealousy or other problems. Making sure that you’re just trying to focus on what each partner needs rather than spending the same time with each is more attainable.
Some partners might be content with a weekend on the beach where others need more time spent with them. Just find the right balance and remember that fairness isn’t the same as respect and being equal with one another.
Whether you’re looking for love or a relationship to fill other needs and you’re just starting, remember that you’re part of a community that focuses on mutual consent, respect, trust, and belief in one another. Focus on what matters, and in the long run, you’ll find that being polyamorous was just what you were looking for.